The Desire Scale: A Simple Framework for Better Decisions

Jul 2

Written By Jess Nichol

Remember those clickbait ads that used to flood your browser? "One weird trick doctors don't want you to know!" Usually followed by some sketchy promise about belly fat or wrinkles.

Well, I've got one of those "weird tricks" for you. Except this one actually works, it's not weird, and I'm not going to make you click through seventeen pages to get it.

This simple framework can seriously transform your satisfaction in life—especially in dating and relationships. And the best part? You can start using it today.

There's a deceptively simple question that can change how you navigate everything from dating decisions to relationship conflicts: Where does this fall on my desire scale?

Most of us, especially when we’re working through relationship challenges, operate from a binary understanding of choice—we're either okay with something or we're not. But the reality of human experience, particularly in dating and relationships, is far more nuanced. Between "hell yes" and "absolutely not" lies a rich landscape of responses that, when we learn to recognize them, can guide us toward more authentic connections and sustainable partnerships.

Beyond Yes and No

The framework I want to share with you maps our responses to any situation along four distinct points on what I call the Desire Scale: Wanting, Willing, Tolerating, and Enduring. This scale, inspired by the groundbreaking work of Dr. Betty Martin and her Wheel of Consent, offers a more sophisticated language for understanding our own experience.

Wanting is that full-body yes. It's when every part of you is aligned with what's happening or being proposed. You're energized by the prospect. Your enthusiasm is genuine, not performed.

Willing is where you're genuinely okay with something, even if it's not your first choice. You might be doing it as a gift for someone else, or because it serves a larger goal you care about. There's no resentment here—just a clear-eyed choice to participate.

Tolerating is where things get murky. You're going along with something you'd rather not, usually because you think you have to. Maybe you're hoping for something better later, or you're afraid of the consequences of saying no. This is endurance disguised as choice.

Enduring is where you've crossed into harm. Your body is saying no, but you feel trapped. This might be because of external pressure, internal conditioning, or a belief that you don't have other options.

Why This Matters

The goal isn't to only do what you want—that's neither realistic nor sustainable in a world where we live and work with other people. But understanding where you are on this spectrum gives you crucial information about your choices and their long-term impact.

When we consistently operate from tolerating or enduring, we build relationships and situations on a foundation of what we can put up with rather than what actually works for us. Over time, tolerance turns into resentment, and resentment kills connection.

The sweet spot is spending most of your time high on the desire scale—in wanting and willing—with tolerating reserved for truly exceptional circumstances, and enduring eliminated entirely.

Learning to Recognize the Difference

The challenge is that many of us have spent so long accommodating others that we've lost touch with our own internal signals. We've been trained to be "agreeable" and "flexible," often at the expense of recognizing what we want.

Your body knows the difference between these states, even when your mind tries to rationalize them away. Wanting feels expansive. Willing feels neutral but clean. Tolerating creates tension—that tight feeling in your chest or the urge to distract yourself. Enduring feels like survival mode.

Learning to pause and check in with yourself—Where am I on the desire scale right now?—is a practice that gets easier with repetition.

Practical Applications

This framework applies everywhere:

In relationships: Instead of automatically saying yes to plans you're lukewarm about, you might say, "I'm willing to do that for you, but it's not really my preference. Would you be up for exploring other options first?"

At work: Rather than taking on every additional project, you can distinguish between the ones you're genuinely willing to do and the ones you'd be tolerating—and make decisions accordingly.

In daily life: From choosing what to have for dinner to deciding how to spend your weekend, the desire scale helps you recognize when you're defaulting to tolerance out of habit rather than choice.

The Communication Piece

Knowing where you are on the desire scale is only half the equation. The other half is learning to communicate from that place with both honesty and kindness.

If you're willing but not wanting, you can say so: "I'm happy to do this for you, and I want you to know it's more of a gift than something I'm excited about." This creates space for the other person to consider whether they want that particular gift, or if they'd prefer to find another option.

If you notice yourself moving from willing into tolerating, that's information worth sharing: "I thought I was okay with this, but I'm realizing I'm starting to feel resentful. Can we pause and figure out a different approach?"

Where to Start

Begin by simply noticing. For the next day or two, try checking in with yourself a few times: Where am I on the desire scale right now? Don't worry about changing anything yet—just practice recognizing the difference between wanting, willing, tolerating, and enduring.

Pay attention to how each state feels in your body. Notice which situations tend to push you toward the lower end of the scale, and which relationships make it easiest to stay in wanting and willing.

This awareness alone will start to shift how you move through the world. Because once you can recognize where you are on the desire scale, you can begin to make choices from that place of clarity rather than from old patterns of accommodation.

Real intimacy—whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or even professional collaborations—becomes possible when people can be honest about their experience and communicate from that place of truth. The desire scale gives you the language to do exactly that.

Want to explore how this framework might apply to your specific relationships or life situations? I'd love to talk with you about it.

Jess Nichol

The Desire Scale: A Simple Framework for Better Decisions

Remember those clickbait ads that used to flood your browser? "One weird trick doctors don't want you to know!" Usually followed by some sketchy promise about belly fat or wrinkles.

Well, I've got one of those "weird tricks" for you. Except this one actually works, it's not weird, and I'm not going to make you click through seventeen pages to get it.

This simple framework can seriously transform your satisfaction in life—especially in dating and relationships. And the best part? You can start using it today.

There's a deceptively simple question that can change how you navigate everything from dating decisions to relationship conflicts: Where does this fall on my desire scale?

Beyond Yes and No

Wanting is that full-body yes. It's when every part of you is aligned with what's happening or being proposed. You're energized by the prospect. Your enthusiasm is genuine, not performed.

Willing is where you're genuinely okay with something, even if it's not your first choice. You might be doing it as a gift for someone else, or because it serves a larger goal you care about. There's no resentment here—just a clear-eyed choice to participate.

Tolerating is where things get murky. You're going along with something you'd rather not, usually because you think you have to. Maybe you're hoping for something better later, or you're afraid of the consequences of saying no. This is endurance disguised as choice.

Enduring is where you've crossed into harm. Your body is saying no, but you feel trapped. This might be because of external pressure, internal conditioning, or a belief that you don't have other options.

Why This Matters

The goal isn't to only do what you want—that's neither realistic nor sustainable in a world where we live and work with other people. But understanding where you are on this spectrum gives you crucial information about your choices and their long-term impact.

When we consistently operate from tolerating or enduring, we build relationships and situations on a foundation of what we can put up with rather than what actually works for us. Over time, tolerance turns into resentment, and resentment kills connection.

The sweet spot is spending most of your time high on the desire scale—in wanting and willing—with tolerating reserved for truly exceptional circumstances, and enduring eliminated entirely.

Learning to Recognize the Difference

The challenge is that many of us have spent so long accommodating others that we've lost touch with our own internal signals. We've been trained to be "agreeable" and "flexible," often at the expense of recognizing what we want.

Your body knows the difference between these states, even when your mind tries to rationalize them away. Wanting feels expansive. Willing feels neutral but clean. Tolerating creates tension—that tight feeling in your chest or the urge to distract yourself. Enduring feels like survival mode.

Learning to pause and check in with yourself—Where am I on the desire scale right now?—is a practice that gets easier with repetition.

Practical Applications

This framework applies everywhere:

In relationships: Instead of automatically saying yes to plans you're lukewarm about, you might say, "I'm willing to do that for you, but it's not really my preference. Would you be up for exploring other options first?"

At work: Rather than taking on every additional project, you can distinguish between the ones you're genuinely willing to do and the ones you'd be tolerating—and make decisions accordingly.

In daily life: From choosing what to have for dinner to deciding how to spend your weekend, the desire scale helps you recognize when you're defaulting to tolerance out of habit rather than choice.

The Communication Piece

Knowing where you are on the desire scale is only half the equation. The other half is learning to communicate from that place with both honesty and kindness.

If you're willing but not wanting, you can say so: "I'm happy to do this for you, and I want you to know it's more of a gift than something I'm excited about." This creates space for the other person to consider whether they want that particular gift, or if they'd prefer to find another option.

If you notice yourself moving from willing into tolerating, that's information worth sharing: "I thought I was okay with this, but I'm realizing I'm starting to feel resentful. Can we pause and figure out a different approach?"

Where to Start

Begin by simply noticing. For the next day or two, try checking in with yourself a few times: Where am I on the desire scale right now? Don't worry about changing anything yet—just practice recognizing the difference between wanting, willing, tolerating, and enduring.

Pay attention to how each state feels in your body. Notice which situations tend to push you toward the lower end of the scale, and which relationships make it easiest to stay in wanting and willing.

This awareness alone will start to shift how you move through the world. Because once you can recognize where you are on the desire scale, you can begin to make choices from that place of clarity rather than from old patterns of accommodation.

Real intimacy—whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or even professional collaborations—becomes possible when people can be honest about their experience and communicate from that place of truth. The desire scale gives you the language to do exactly that.

Want to explore how this framework might apply to your specific relationships or life situations? I'd love to talk with you about it.

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